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12. What was it, then, that I, miserable one, so doted on in
thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of darkness, in that sixteenth
year of my age? Beautiful thou weft not, since thou weft theft.
]But art thou anything, that so I may argue the case with thee?
Those pears that we stole were fair to the sight, because they were
Thy creation, Thou fairests of all, Creator of all, Thou good
God God, the highest good, and my true good. Those pears truly
were pleasant to the sight; but it was not for them that my miserable
soul lusted, for I had abundance of better, but those I plucked
simply that I might steal. For, having plucked them, I threw them
away, my sole gratification in them being my own sin, which I was
pleased to enjoy. For if any of these pears entered my mouth, the
sweetener of it was my sin in eating it. And now, O Lord my God,
I ask what it was in that theft of mine that caused me such delight;
and behold it hath no beauty in it not such, I mean, as exists in
justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind, memory, Senses, and
animal life of man; nor yet such as iS the glory and beauty of the
stars in their courses; or the earth, or the sea, teeming with
incipient life, to replace, as it is born, that which decayeth;
nor, indeed, that false and shadowy beauty which pertaineth to
deceptive vices.
13. For thus cloth pride imitate high estate, I whereas Thou
alone art God, high above all. [ And what does ambition seek but
honours and l renown, whereas Thou alone art to be honoured i above
all, and renowned for evermore?
The cruelty of the powerful wishes to be feared; but who is to be
feared but God only,s out of whose power what can be forced away or
withdrawn when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The
enticements of the wanton would fain be deemed love; and yet is naught
more enticing than Thy charity, nor is aught loved more healthfully
than that, Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity
affects a desire for knowledge, whereas it is Thou who supremely
knowest all things. Yea, ignorance and foolishness themselves are
concealed under the names of ingenuousness and harmlessness, because
nothing can be found more ingenuous than Thou; and what is more
harmless, since it is a sinner's own works by which he is harmed?
And sloth seems to long for rest; but what sure rest is there besides
the Lord? Luxury would fain be called plenty and abundance; but
Thou art the fellness and unfailing plenteousness of unfading joys.
Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality; but Thou art the most
lavish giver of all good. Covetousness desires to possess much; and
Thou art the Possessor of all things. Envy contends for excellence;
but what so excellent as Thou? Anger seeks revenge; who avenges more
justly than Thou? Fear starts at unwonted and sudden chances which
threaten things beloved, and is wary for their security; but what can
happen that is unwonted or sudden to Thee? or who can deprive Thee of
what Thou lovest? or where is there unshaken security save with
Thee? Grief languishes for things lost in which desire had delighted
itself, even because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing
can be from Thee.
14. Thus doth the soul commit fornication when she turns away from
Thee, and seeks without Thee what she cannot find pure and untainted
until she returns to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee who
separate themselves far from Thee and raise themselves up against
Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee they acknowledge Thee to be
the Creator of all nature, and so that there is no place whither they
can altogether retire from Thee.s What, then, was it that I loved
in that theft? And wherein did I, even corruptedly and pervertedly,
imitate my Lord? Did I wish, if only by artifice, to act contrary
to Thy law, because by power I could not, so that, being a
captive, I might imitate an imperfect liberty by doing with impunity
things which I was not allowed to do, in obscured likeness of Thy
omnipotency? Behold this servant of Thine, fleeing from his Lord,
and following a shadow! O rottenness! O monstrosity of life and
profundity of death! Could I like that which was unlawful only
because it was unlawful?
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