|
16. And behold, there was I received by the scourge of bodily
sickness, and I was descending into hell burdened with all the sins
that I had committed, both against Thee, myself, and others, many
and grievous, over and above that bond of original sin whereby we all
die in Adam. For none of these things hadst Thou forgiven me in
Christ, neither had He "abolished" by His cross "the enmity" t
which, by my sins, I had incurred with Thee. For how could He,
by the crucifixion of a phantasm? which I supposed Him to be? As
true, then, was the death of my soul, as that of His flesh appeared
to me to be untrue; and as true the death of His flesh as the life of
my soul, which believed it not, was false. The fever increasing, I
was now passing away and perishing. For had I then gone hence,
whither should I have gone but into the fiery torments meet for my
misdeeds, in the truth of Thy ordinance? She was ignorant of this,
yet, while absent, prayed for me. But Thou, everywhere present,
hearkened to her where she was, and hadst pity upon me where I was,
that I should regain my bodily health, although still frenzied in my
sacrilegious heart. For all that peril did not make me wish to be
baptized, and I was better when, as a lad, I entreated it of my
mother's piety, as I have already related and confessed? But I had
grown up to my own dishonour, and all the purposes of Thy medicine I
madly derided, who wouldst not suffer me, though such a one, to die a
double death. Had my mother's heart been smitten with this wound, it
never could have been cured. For I cannot sufficiently express the
love she had for me, nor how she now travailed for me in the spirit
with a far keener anguish than when she bore me in the flesh.
17. I cannot conceive, therefore, how she could have been healed
if such a death of mine had transfixed the bowels of her love. Where
then would have been her so earnest, frequent, and unintermitted
prayers to Thee alone? But couldst Thou, most merciful God,
despise the "contrite and humble heart" s of that pure and prudent
widow, so constant in alms-deeds, so gracious and attentive to Thy
saints, not permitting one day to pass without oblation at Thy altar,
twice a day, at morning and even-tide, coming to Thy church without
intermission not for vain gossiping, nor old wives' "fables,"
but in order that she might listen to Thee in Thy sermons, and Thou
to her in her prayers? Couldst Thou Thou by whose gift she was
such -despise and disregard without succouring the tears of such a
one, wherewith she entreated Thee not for gold or silver, nor for any
changing or fleeting good, but for the salvation of the soul of her
son? By no means, Lord. Assuredly Thou wert near, and weft
hearing and doing in that method in which Thou hadst predetermined that
it should be done. Far be it from Thee that Thou shouldst delude her
in those visions and the answers she had from Thee, some of which
I have spoken of,s and others not? -which she kept in her
faithful breast, and, always petitioning, pressed upon Thee as
Thine autograph. For Thou, "because Thy mercy endureth for
ever," n condescendest to those whose debts Thou hast pardoned, to
become likewise a debtor by Thy promises.
|
|