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7. In those years, when I first began to teach rhetoric in my
native town, I had acquired a very dear friend, from association in
our studies, of mine own age, and, like myself, just rising up into
the flower of youth. He had grown up with me from childhood, and we
had been both school-fellows and play-fellows. But he was not then
my friend, nor, indeed, afterwards, as true friendship is; for true
it is not but in such as Thou bindest together, cleaving unto Thee by
that love which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which
is given unto us. But yet it was too sweet, being ripened by the
fervour of similar studies. For, from the true a faith (which he,
as a youth, had not soundly and t thoroughly become master of), I
had turned him aside towards those superstitious and pernicious fables
which my mother mourned in me. With me this man's mind now erred,
nor could my soul exist without him. But behold, Thou weft close
behind Thy fugitives at once God of vengeance and Fountain of
mercies, who turnest us to Thyself by wondrous means. Thou removedst
that man from this life when he had scarce completed one whole year of
my t, friendship, sweet to me above all the sweetness of that my
life.
8. "Who can show forth all Thy praise" which he hath experienced
in himself alone? What was it that Thou didst then, O my God, and
how unsearchable are the depths of Thy judgments! For when, sore
sick of a fever, he long lay unconscious in a death-sweat, and all
despaired of his recovery, he was baptized without his knowledge;
myself meanwhile little caring, presuming that his soul would retain
rather what it had imbibed from me, than what was done to his
unconscious body. Far different, however, was it, for he was
revived and restored. Straightway, as soon as I could talk to him
(which I could as soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we
hung too much upon each other), I attempted to jest with him, as if
he also would jest with me at that baptism which he had received when
mind and senses were in abeyance, but had now learnt that he had
received. But he shuddered at me, as if I were his enemy; and,
with a remarkable and unexpected freedom, admonished me, if I desired
to continue his friend, to desist from speaking to him in such a way.
I, confounded and confused, concealed all my emotions, till he
should get well, and his health be strong enough to allow me to deal
with him as I wished. But he was withdrawn from my frenzy, that with
Thee he might be preserved for my comfort. A few days after, during
my absence, he had a return of the fever, and died.
9. At this sorrow my heart was utterly darkened, and whatever I
looked upon was death. My native country was a torture to me, and my
father's house a wondrous unhappiness; and whatsoever I had
participated in with him, wanting him, turned into a frightful
torture. Mine eyes sought him everywhere, but he was not granted
them; and I hated all places because he was not in them; nor could
they now say to me, "Behold; he is coming," as they did when he
was alive and absent. I became a great puzzle to myself, and asked my
soul why she was so sad, and why she so exceedingly disquieted me; but
she knew not what to answer me. And if I said, "Hope thou in
God," she very properly obeyed me not; because that most dear friend
whom she had lost was, being man, both truer and better than that
phantasms she was bid to hope in. Naught but tears were sweet to me,
and they succeeded my friend in the dearest of my affections.
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