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7. Still suffer me to speak before Thy mercy me, "dust and
ashes." Suffer me to speak, for, behold, it is Thy mercy I
address, and not derisive man. Yet perhaps even Thou deridest me;
but when Thou art turned to me Thou wilt have compassion on me. For
what do I wish to say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence
I came hither into this shall I call it dying life or living
death? Yet, as I have heard from my parents, from whose substance
Thou didst form me, for I myself cannot remember it, Thy
merciful comforts sustained me. Thus it was that the comforts of a
woman's milk entertained me; for neither my mother nor my nurses
filled their own breasts, but Thou by them didst give me the
nourishment of infancy according to Thy ordinance and that bounty of
Thine which underlieth all things. For Thou didst cause me not to
want more than Thou gavest, and those who nourished me willingly to
give me what Thou gavest them. For they, by an instinctive
affection, were anxious to give me what Thou hadst abundantly
supplied. It was, in truth, good for them that my good should come
from them, though, indeed, it was not from them, but by them; for
from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all my
safety? This is what I have since discovered, as Thou hast declared
Thyself to me by the blessings both within me and without me which
Thou hast bestowed upon me. For at that time I knew how to suck, to
be satisfied when comfortable, and to cry when in pain nothing
beyond.
8. Afterwards I began to laugh, at first in sleep, then when
waking. For this I have heard mentioned of myself, and I believe it
(though I cannot remember it), for we see the same in other
infants. And now little by little I realized where I was, and
wished to tell my wishes to those who might satisfy them, but I could
not; for my wants were within me, while they were without, and could
not by any faculty of theirs enter into my soul. So I cast about
limbs and voice, making the few and feeble signs I could, like,
though indeed not much like, unto what I wished; and when I was not
satisfied either not being understood, or because it would have been
injurious to me I grew indignant that my eiders were not subject
unto me, and that those on whom I had no claim did not wait on me,
and avenged myself on them by tears. That infants are such I have
been able to learn by watching them; and they, though unknowing, have
better shown me that I was such an one than my nurses who knew it.
9. And, behold, my infancy died long ago, and I live. But
Thou, O Lord, who ever livest, and in whom nothing dies (since
before the world was, and indeed before all that can be called
"before, " Thou existest, and art the God and Lord of all Thy
creatures; and with Thee fixedly abide the causes of all unstable
things, the unchanging sources of all things changeable, and the
eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal), tell me,
Thy suppliant, O God; tell, O merciful One, Thy miserable
servant tell me whether my infancy succeeded another age of mine
which had at that time perished..Was it that which I passed in my
mother's womb? For of that something has been made known to me, and
I have myself seen women with child. And what, O God, my joy,
preceded that life? Was I, indeed, anywhere, or anybody? For no
one can tell me these things, neither father nor mother, nor the
experience of others, nor my own memory. Dost Thou laugh at me for
asking such things, and command me to praise and confess Thee for what
I know?
10. I give thanks to Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, giving
praise to Thee for that my first being and infancy, of which I have
no memory; for Thou hast granted to man that from others he should
come to conclusions as to himself, and that he should believe many
things concerning himself on the authority of feeble women. Even then
I had life and being; and as my infancy closed I was already seeking
for signs by which my feelings might be made known to others. Whence
could such a creature come but from Thee, O Lord? Or shall any man
be skilful enough to fashion himself)Or is there any other vein by
which being and life runs into us save this, that "Thou, O Lord,
hast made us, " with whom being and life are one, because Thou
Thyself art being and life in the highest? Thou art the highest,
"Thou changest not," neither in Thee doth this present day come to
an end, though it doth] end in Thee, since in Thee all such things
are; for they would have no way of passing away unless Thou
sustainedst them. And since "Thy years shall have no end, " Thy
years are an ever present day. And how many of ours and our fathers'
days have passed through this Thy day, and received from it their
measure and fashion of being, and others yet to come shall so receive
and pass away I "But Thou art the same;" and all the things of
to-morrow and the days yet to come, and all of yesterday and the days
that are past, Thou wilt do to-day, Thou hast done to-day. What
is it to me if any understand not? Let him still rejoice and say,
"What is this?" Let him rejoice even so, and rather love to
discover in failing to discover, than in discovering not to discover
Thee.
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