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10. But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related this to me
about Victorinus, I burned to imitate him; and it was for this end
he had related it. But when he had added this also, that in the time
of the Emperor Julian, there was a law made by which Christians were
forbidden to teach grammar and oratory, and he, in obedience to this
law, chose rather to abandon the wordy school than Thy word, by which
Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb's, he appeared to me
not more brave than happy, in having thus.discovered an opportunity of
waiting on Thee only, which thing I was sighing for, thus bound,
not with the irons of another, but my own iron will. My will was the
enemy master of, and thence had made a chain for me and bound me.
Because of a perverse will was lust made; and lust indulged in became
custom; and custom not resisted became necessity. By which links, as
it were, joined together (whence I term it a "chain "), did a
hard bondage hold me enthralled? But that new will which had begun to
develope in me, freely to worship Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee,
O God, the only sure enjoyment, was not able as yet to overcome my
former wilfulness, made strong by long indulgence. Thus did my two
wills, one old and the other new, one carnal, the other spiritual,
contend within me; and by their discord they unstrung my soul.
11. Thus came I to understand, from my own experience, what I
had read, how that "the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the
Spirit against the flesh." I verily lusted both ways; yet more in
that which I approved in myself, than in that which I disapproved in
myself. For in this last it was now rather not "I," because in
much I rather suffered against my will than did it willingly. And yet
it was through me that custom became more combative against me, because
I had come willingly whither I willed not. And who, then, can with
any justice speak against it, when just punishment follows the sinner?
Nor had I now any longer my wonted excuse, that as yet I hesitated
to be above the world and serve Thee, because my perception of the
truth was uncertain; for now it was certain. But I, still bound to
the earth, refused to be Thy soldier; and was as much afraid of being
freed from all embarrassments, as we ought to fear to be embarrassed.
12. Thus with the baggage of the world was I! sweetly burdened,
as when in slumber; and the thoughts wherein I meditated upon Thee
were like unto the efforts of those desiring to awake, who, still
overpowered with a heavy drowsiness, are again steeped therein. And
as no one desires to sleep always, and in the sober judgment of all
waking is better, yet does a man generally defer to shake off
drowsiness, when there is a heavy lethargy in all his limbs, and,
though displeased, yet even after it is time to rise with pleasure
yields to it, so was I assured that it were much better for me to give
up my t self to Thy charity, than to yield myself to my own cupidity;
but the former course satisfied and vanquished me, the latter pleased
me and fettered me. Nor had I aught to answer Thee [calling to me,
"Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ
shall give thee light." And to Thee showing me on every side, that
what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing
at all to reply, but the drawling and drowsy words: "Presently,
lo, presently;" "Leave me a little while." But "presently,
presently," had no present; and my "leave me a little while" went
on for a long while. In vain did I "delight in Thy law after the
inner man," when "another law in my members warred against the law of
my mind, and brought me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my
members." For the law of sin is the violence of custom, whereby the
mind is drawn and held, even against its will; deserving to be so held
in that it so willingly falls into it. "O wretched man that I am!
who shall deliver me from the body of this death" but Thy grace only,
through Jesus Christ our Lord?
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