|
25. Thus was I sick and tormented, accusing myself far more
severely than was my wont, tossing and turning me in my chain till that
was utterly broken, whereby I now was but slightly, but still was
held. And Thou, O Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a
severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should
again give way, and that same slender remaining tie not being broken
off, it should recover strength, and enchain me the faster. For I
said mentally, "Lo, let it be done now, let it be done now." And
as,I spoke, I all but came to a resolve. I all but did it, yet I
did it not. Yet fell I not back to my old condition, but took up my
position hard by, and drew breath. And I tried again, and wanted
but very little of reaching it, and somewhat less, and then all but
touched and grasped it; and yet came not at it, nor touched, nor
grasped it, hesitating to die unto death, and to live unto life; and
the worse, whereto I had been habituated, prevailed more with me than
the better, which I had not tried. And the very moment in which I
was to become another man, the nearer it approached me, the greater
horror did it strike into me; but it did not strike me back, nor turn
me aside, but kept me in suspense.
26. The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my old
mistresses, still enthralled me; they shook my fleshly garment, and
whispered softly, "Dost thou part with us? And from that moment
shall we no more be with thee for ever? And from that moment shall not
this or that be lawful for thee for ever?" And what did they suggest
to me in the words "this or that?" What is it that they suggested,
O my God? Let Thy mercy avert it from the soul of Thy servant.
What impurities did they suggest! What shame! And now I far less
than half heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting
me, but muttering, as it were, behind my back, and furtively
plucking me as I was departing, to make me look back upon them. Yet
they did delay me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free
from them, and to leap over whither I was called, an unruly
habit saying to me, "Dost thou think thou canst live without them?"
27. But now it said this very faintly; for on that side towards
which I had set my face, and whither I trembled to go, did the
chaste dignity of Continence appear unto me, cheerful, but not
dissolutely gay, honestly alluring me to come and doubt nothing, and
extending her holy hands, full of a multiplicity of good examples, to
receive and embrace me. There were there so many young men and
maidens, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and ancient
virgins, and Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful
mother of children of joys, by Thee, O Lord, her Husband. And
she smiled on me with an encouraging mockery, as if to say, "Canst
not thou do what these youths and maidens can? Or can one or other do
it of themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The Lord
their God gave me unto them.
Why standest thou in thine own strength, and so standest not? Cast
thyself upon Him; fear not, He will not withdraw that thou shouldest
fall; cast thyself upon Him without fear, He will receive thee, and
heal thee." And I blushed beyond measure, for I still heard the
muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she again seemed
to say, "Shut up thine ears against those unclean members of thine
upon the earth, that they may be mortified.
They tell thee of delights, but not as doth the law of the Lord thy
God." This controversy in my heart was naught but self against
self. But Alypius, sitting close by my side, awaited in silence the
result of my unwonted emotion.
|
|