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2. And it seemed good to me, as before Thee, not tumultuously to
snatch away, but gently to withdraw the service of my tongue from the
talker's trade; that the young, who thought not on Thy law, nor on
Thy peace, but on mendacious follies and forensic strifes, might no
longer purchase at my mouth equipments for their vehemence. And
opportunely there wanted but a few days unto the Vacation of the
Vintage; and I determined to endure them, in order to leave in the
usual way, and, being redeemed by Thee, no more to return for sale.
Our intention then was known to Thee; but to men excepting our
own friends was it not known. For we had determined among
ourselves not to let it get abroad to any; although Thou hadst given
to us, ascending from the valley of tears, and singing the song of
degrees, "sharp arrows," and destroying coals, against the
"deceitful tongue," which in giving coun sel opposes, and in showing
love consumes, as it is wont to do with its food.
3. Thou hadst penetrated our hearts with Thy charity, and we
carried Thy words fixed, as it were, in our bowels; and the examples
of Thy servant, whom of black Thou hadst made bright, and of dead,
alive, crowded in the bosom of our thoughts, burned and consumed our
heavy torpor, that we might not topple into the abyss; and they
enkindled us exceedingly, that every breath of the deceitful tongue of
the gainsayer might inflame us the more, not extinguish us.
Nevertheless, because for Thy name's sake which Thou hast
sanctified throughout the earth, this, our vow and purpose, might
also find commenders, it looked like a vaunting of oneself not to wait
for the vacation, now so near, but to leave beforehand a public
profession, and one, too, under general observation; so that all who
looked on this act of mine, and saw how near was the vintage-time I
desired to anticipate, would talk of me a great deal as if I were
trying to appear to be a great person. And what purpose would it serve
that people should consider and dispute about my intention, and that
our good should be evil spoken of?
4. Furthermore, this very summer, from too great literary labour,
my lungs began to be weak, and with difficulty to draw deep breaths;
showing by the pains in my chest that they were affected, and refusing
too loud or prolonged speaking. This had at first been a trial to me,
for it compelled me almost of necessity to lay down that burden of
teaching; or, if I could be cured and become strong again, at least
to leave it off for a while. But when the full desire for leisure,
that I might see that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was confirmed
in me, my God, Thou knowest I even began to rejoice that I had
this excuse ready, and that not a feigned one, which might
somewhat temper the offence taken by those who for their sons' good
wished me never to have the freedom of sons. Full, therefore, with
such joy, I bore it till that period of time had passed, perhaps
it was some twenty days, yet they were bravely borne; for the
cupidity which was wont to sustain part of this weighty business had
departed, and I had remained overwhelmed had not its place been
supplied by patience. Some of Thy servants, my brethren, may
perchance say that I sinned in this, in that having once fully, and
from my heart, entered on Thy warfare, I permitted myself to sit a
single hour in the seat of falsehood. I will not contend. But hast
not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin
also, with my others, so horrible and deadly, in the holy water?
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