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7. And the day arrived on which, in very deed, I was to be
released from the Professorship of Rhetoric, from which in intention
I had been already released. And done it was; and Thou didst
deliver my tongue whence Thou hadst already delivered my heart; and
full of joy I blessed Thee for it, and retired with all mine to the
villa. What I accomplished here in writing, which was now wholly
devoted to Thy service, though still, in this pause as it were,
panting from the school of pride, my books testify, those in
which I disputed with my friends, and those with myself alone before
Thee; and what with the absent Nebridius, my letters testify. And
when can I find time to recount all Thy great benefits which Thou
bestowedst upon us at that time, especially as I am hasting on to
still greater mercies? For my memory calls upon me, and pleasant it
is to me, O Lord, to confess unto Thee, by what inward goads Thou
didst subdue me, and how Thou didst make me low, bringing down the
mountains and hills of my imaginations, and didst straighten my
crookedness, and smooth my rough ways; and by what means Thou also
didst subdue that brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name of Thy
only-begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he at
first refused to have inserted in our writings. For he rather desired
that they should savour of the "cedars" of the schools, which the
Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the
Church, hostile to serpents.
8. What utterances sent I up unto Thee, my God, when I read the
Psalms of David, those faithful songs and sounds of devotion which
exclude all swelling of spirit, when new to Thy true love, at rest in
the villa with Alypius, a catechumen like myself, my mother cleaving
unto us, in woman's garb truly, but with a man's faith, with
the peacefulness of age, full of motherly love and Christian piety!
What utterances used I to send up unto Thee in those Psalms, and
how was I inflamed towards Thee by them, and burned to rehearse
them, if it were possible, throughout the whole world, against the
pride of the human race! And yet they are sung throughout the whole
world, and none can hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement
and bitter sorrow was I indignant at the Manichaeans; whom yet again
I pitied, for that they were ignorant of those sacraments, those
medicaments, and were mad against the antidote which might have made
them sane! I wished that they had been somewhere near me then, and,
without my being aware of their presence, could have beheld my face,
and heard my words, when I read the fourth Psalm in that time of my
leisure, how that Psalm wrought upon me. When I called upon
Thee, Thou didst hear me, O God of my righteousness; Thou hast
enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my
prayer. Oh that they might have heard what I uttered on these words,
without my knowing whether they heard or no, lest they should think
that I spake it because of them! For, of a truth, neither should I
have said the same things, nor in the way I said them, if I had
perceived that I was heard and seen by them; and had I spoken them,
they would not so have received them as when I spake by and for myself
before Thee, out of the private feelings of my soul.
9. I alternately quaked with fear, and warmed with hope, and with
rejoicing in Thy mercy, O Father. And all these passed forth,
both by mine eyes and voice, when Thy good Spirit, turning unto us,
said, O ye sons of men, how long will ye be slow of heart? "How
long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing?" For I had loved
vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst
already magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and
setting Him at Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send
His promise, the Paraclete, "the Spirit of Truth." And He had
already sent Him, but I knew it not; He had sent Him, because He
was now magnified, rising again from the dead, and ascending into
heaven. For till then "the Holy Ghost was not yet given, because
that Jesus was not yet glorified." And the prophet cries out, How
long will ye be slow of heart? How long will ye love vanity, and seek
after leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy
One. He cries out, "How long?" He cries out, "Know this,"
and I, so long ignorant, "loved vanity, and sought after
leasing." And therefore I heard and trembled, because these words
were spoken unto such as I remembered that I myself had been. For in
those phantasms which I once held for truths was there "vanity" and
"leasing." And I spake many things loudly and earnestly, in the
sorrow of my remembrance, which, would that they who yet "love vanity
and seek after leasing" had heard! They would perchance have been
troubled, and have vomited it forth, and Thou wouldest hear them when
they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh He died for
us, who now maketh intercession for us with Thee.
10. I read further, "Be ye angry, and sin not." And how was
I moved, O my God, who had now learned to "be angry" with myself
for the things past, so that in the future I might not sin! Yea, to
be justly angry; for that it was not another nature of the race of
darkness which sinned for me, as they affirm it to be who are not angry
with themselves, and who treasure up to themselves wrath against the
day of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy righteous judgment. Nor
were my good things now without, nor were they sought after with eyes
of flesh in that sun; for they that would have joy from without easily
sink into oblivion, and are wasted upon those things which are seen and
temporal, and in their starving thoughts do lick their very shadows.
Oh, if only they were wearied out with their fasting, and said,
"Who will show us any good?" And we would answer, and they hear,
O Lord. The light of Thy countenance is lifted up upon us. For we
are not that Light, which lighteth every man, but we are enlightened
by Thee, that we, who were sometimes darkness, may be light in
Thee. Oh that they could behold the internal Eternal, which having
tasted I gnashed my teeth that I could not show It to them, while
they brought me their heart in their eyes, roaming abroad from Thee,
and said, "Who will show us any good?" But there, where I was
angry with myself in my chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where
I had offered my "sacrifice," slaying my old man, and beginning the
resolution of a new life, putting my trust in Thee, there hadst
Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and to "put gladness in my
heart." And I cried out as I read this outwardly, and felt it
inwardly. Nor would I be increased with worldly goods, wasting time
and being wasted by time; whereas I possessed in Thy eternal
simplicity other corn, and wine, and oil.
11. And with a loud cry from my heart, I called out in the
following verse, "Oh, in peace!" and "the self-same!" Oh,
what said he, "I will lay me down and sleep!" For who shall hinder
us, when "shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death
is swallowed up in victory?" And Thou art in the highest degree
"the self-same," who changest not; and in Thee is the rest which
forgetteth all labour, for there is no other beside Thee, nor ought
we to seek after those many other things which are not what Thou art;
but Thou, Lord, only makest me to dwell in hope. These things I
read, and was inflamed; but discovered not what to do with those deaf
and dead, of whom I had been a pestilent member, a bitter and a
blind declaimer against the writings be-honied with the honey of heaven
and luminous with Thine own light; and I was consumed on account of
the enemies of this Scripture.
12. When shall I call to mind all that took place in those
holidays? Yet neither have I forgotten, nor will I be silent about
the severity of Thy scourge, and the amazing quickness of Thy mercy.
Thou didst at that time torture me with toothache; and when it had
become so exceeding great that I was not able to speak, it came into
my heart to urge all my friends who were present to pray for me to
Thee, the God of all manner of health. And I wrote it down on
wax, and gave it to them to read. Presently, as with submissive
desire we bowed our knees, that pain departed. But what pain? Or
how did it depart? I confess to being much afraid, my Lord my God,
seeing that from my earliest years I had not experienced such pain.
And Thy purposes were profoundly impressed upon me; and, rejoicing
in faith, I praised Thy name. And that faith suffered me not to be
at rest in regard to my past sins, which were not yet forgiven me by
Thy baptism.
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