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14. Thou dealedst with me, therefore, that I should be persuaded
to go to Rome, and teach there rather what I was then teaching at
Carthage. And how I was persuaded to do this, I will not fail to
confess unto Thee; for in this also the profoundest workings of Thy
wisdom, and Thy ever present mercy to usward, must be pondered and
avowed. It was not my desire to go to Rome because greater advantages
and dignities were guaranteed me by the friends who persuaded me into
this, although even at this period I was influenced by these
considerations, but my principal and almost sole motive was, that
I had been informed that the youths studied more quietly there, and
were kept under by the control of more rigid discipline, so that they
did not capriciously and impudently rash into the school of a master not
their own, into whose presence they were forbidden to enter unless with
his consent. At Carthage, on the contrary, there was amongst the
scholars a shameful and intemperate license. They burst in rudely,
and, with almost furious gesticulations, interrupt the system which
any one may have instituted for the good of his pupils. Many outrages
they perpetrate with astounding phlegm, which would be punishable by
law were they not sustained by custom; that custom showing them to be
the more worthless, in that they now do, as according to law, what by
Thy unchangeable law will never be lawful. And they fancy they do it
with impunity, whereas the very blindness whereby they do it is their
punishment, and they suffer far greater things than they do. The
manners, then, which as a student I would not adopt, I was
compelled as a teacher to submit to from others; and so I was too glad
to go where all who knew anything about it assured me that similar
things were not done. But Thou, "my refuge and my portion in the
land of the living," didst while at Carthage goad me, so that I
might thereby be withdrawn from it, and exchange my worldly habitation
for the preservation of my soul; whilst at Rome Thou, didst offer me
enticements by which to attract me there, by men enchanted with this
dying life, the one doing insane actions, and the, other making
assurances of vain things; and, in order to correct my footsteps,
didst secretly employ their and my perversity. For both they who
disturbed my tranquillity were blinded by a shameful madness, and they
who allured me elsewhere smacked of the earth. And I, who hated real
misery here, sought fictitious happiness there.
15. But the cause of my going thence and going thither, Thou, O
God, knewest, yet revealedst it not, either to me or to my mother,
who grievously lamented my journey, and went with me as far as the
sea. But I deceived her, when she violently restrained me either
that she might retain me or accompany me, and I pretended that I had
a friend whom I could not quit until he had a favourable wind to set
sail. And I lied to my mother and such a mother! and got
away. For this also Thou hast in mercy pardoned me, saving me, thus
replete with abominable pollutions, from the waters of the sea, for
the water of Thy grace, whereby, when I was purified, the fountains
of my mother's eyes should be dried, from which for me she day by day
watered the ground under her face. And yet, refusing to go back
without me, it was with difficulty I persuaded her to remain that
night in a place quite close to our ship, where there was an oratory in
memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I secretly left, but she
was not backward in prayers and weeping. And what was it, O Lord,
that she, with such an abundance of tears, was asking of Thee, but
that Thou wouldest not permit me to sail? But Thou, mysteriously
counselling and hearing the real purpose of her desire, granted not
what she then asked, in order to make me what she was ever asking.
The wind blew and filled our sails, and withdrew the shore from our
sight; and she, wild with grief, was there on the morrow, and filled
Thine ears with complaints and groans, which Thou didst disregard;
whilst, by the means of my longings, Thou wert hastening me on to the
cessation of all longing, and the gross part of her love to me was
whipped out by the just lash of sorrow. But, like all mothers,
though even more than others, she loved to have me with her,
and knew not what joy Thou weft preparing for her by my absence.
Being ignorant of this, she did weep and mourn, and in her agony was
seen the inheritance of Eve, seeking in sorrow what in sorrow she
had brought forth. And yet, after accusing my perfidy and cruelty,
she again continued her intercessions for me with Thee, returned to
her accustomed place, and I to Rome.
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