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11. And now, O my He]per, hadst Thou freed me from those
fetters; and I inquired, "Whence is evil?" and found no result.
But Thou sufferedst me not to be carried away from the faith by any
fluctuations of thought, whereby I believed Thee both to exist, and
Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that Thou hadst a care of and
wouldest judge men; and that in Christ, Thy Son, our Lord, and
the Holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy Catholic Church
pressed upon me, Thou hadst planned the way of man's salvation to
that life which is to come after this death. These things being safe
and immoveably settled in my mind, I eagerly inquired, "Whence is
evil?" What torments did my travailing heart then endure! What
sighs, O my God! Yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew
it not; and when in stillness I sought earnestly, those silent
contritions of my soul were strong cries unto Thy mercy. No man
knoweth, but only Thou, what I endured. For what was that which
was thence through my tongue poured into the ears of my most familiar
friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for which neither time nor
speech was sufficient, reach them? Yet went the whole into Thine
ears, all of which I bellowed out from the sightings of my heart; and
my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not with
me; for that was within, I without. Nor was that in place, but my
attention was directed to things contained in place; but there did I
find no resting-place, nor did they receive me in such a way as that
I could say, "It is sufficient, it is well;" nor did they let me
turn back, where it might be well enough with me. For to these things
was I superior, but inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when
I am subjected to Thee, and Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou
createdst beneath me. And this was the true temperature and middle
region of my safety, to continue in Thine image, and by serving Thee
to have dominion over the body. But when I lifted myself proudly
against I Thee, and "ran against the Lord, even on His l neck,
with the thick bosses" of my buckler, even these inferior things were
placed above l me, and pressed upon me, and nowhere was/ there
alleviation or breathing space. They/ encountered my sight on every
side in crowds I and troops, and in thought the images of l bodies
obtruded themselves as I was returning to Thee, as if they would say
unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy and base one?" And these
things had sprung forth out of my wound; for thou humblest the proud
like one that is wounded, and through my own swelling was I separated
from Thee; yea, my too much swollen face closed up mine eyes.
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