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29. I closed her eyes; and there flowed a great sadness into my
heart, and it was passing into tears, when mine eyes at the same
time, by the violent control of my mind, sucked back the fountain
dry, and woe was me in such a struggle! But, as soon as she breathed
her last the boy Adeodatus burst out into wailing, but, being checked
by us all, he became quiet. In like manner also my own childish
feeling, which was, through the youthful voice of my heart, finding
escape in tears, was restrained and silenced. For we did not consider
it fitting to celebrate that funeral with tearful plaints and
groanings; for on such wise are they who die unhappy, or are
altogether dead, wont to be mourned. But she neither died unhappy,
nor did she altogether die. For of this were we assured by the witness
of her good conversation her "faith unfeigned," and other sufficient
grounds.
30. What, then, was that which did grievously pain me within, but
the newly-made wound, from having that most sweet and dear habit of
living together suddenly broken off? I was full of joy indeed in her
testimony, when, in that her last illness, flattering my
dutifulness,: she called me "kind," and recalled, with great
affection of love, that she 'had never heard any harsh or reproachful
sound come out of my mouth against her. But yet, O my God, who
madest us, how can the honour which I paid to her be compared with her
slavery for me? As, then, I was left destitute of so great comfort
in her, my soul was stricken, and that life torn apart as it were,
which, of hers and mine together, had been made but one.
31. The boy then being restrained from weeping, Evodius took up
the Psalter, and began to sing the whole house responding the
Psalm, "I will sing of mercy and judgment: unto Thee, O
Lord." a But when they heard what we were doing, many brethren and
religious women came together; and whilst they whose office it was
were, according to custom, making ready for the funeral, I, in a
part of the house where I conveniently could, together with those who
thought that I ought not to be left alone, discoursed on what was
suited to the occasion; and by this alleviation of truth mitigated the
anguish known unto Thee they being unconscious of it, listened
intently, and thought me to be devoid of any sense of sorrow. But in
Thine ears, where none of them heard, did I blame the softness of my
feelings, and restrained the flow of my grief, which yielded a little
unto me; but the paroxysm returned again, though not so as to burst
forth into tears, nor to a change of countenance, though I knew what
I repressed in my heart. And as I was exceedingly annoyed that these
human things had such power over me, which in the due order and destiny
of our natural condition must of necessity come to pass, with a new
sorrow I sorrowed for my sorrow, and was wasted by a twofold sadness.
32. So, when the body was carried forth, we both went and returned
without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto
Thee when the sacrifice of our redemption was offered up unto Thee for
her, the dead body being now placed by the side of the grave, as
the custom there is, prior to its being laid therein, neither in
their prayers did I shed tears; yet was I most grievously sad in
secret all the day, and with a troubled mind entreated 'Thee, as I
was able, to heal my sorrow, but Thou didst not; fixing, I
believe, in my memory by this one lesson the power of the bonds of all
habit, even upon a mind which now feeds not upon a fallacious word.
It appeared to me also a good thing to go and bathe, I having heard
that the bath [balneum] took its name from the Greek balaneton,
because it drives trouble from the mind. Lo, this also I confess
unto Thy mercy, "Father of the fatherless," that I bathed, and
felt the same as before I had done so. For the bitterness of my grief
exuded not from my heart. Then I slept, and on awaking found my
grief not a little mitigated; and as I lay alone upon my bed, there
came into my mind those true verses of Thy Ambrose, for Thou art "
Deus creator omnium, Pollque rector, vesfiens Diem decon [umine,
Noctem sopon gratia; Artus solutos ut quies Reddat laboris usui,
Mentesque fessas a|levet, Luctusque solvat. anxios."
33. And then little by little did I bring back my former thoughts
of Thine handmaid, her devout conversation towards Thee, her holy
tenderness and attentiveness towards us, which was suddenly taken away
from me; and it was pleasant to me to weep in Thy sight, for her and
for me, concerning her and concerning myself. And I set free the
tears which before I repressed, that they might flow at their will,
spreading them beneath my heart; and it rested in them, for Thy ears
were nigh me, not those of man, who would have put a scornful
interpretation on my weeping. But now in writing I confess it unto
Thee, O Lord! Read it who will, and interpret how he will; and
if he finds me to have sinned in weeping for my mother during so small a
part of an hour, that mother who was for a while dead to mine eyes,
who had for many years wept for me, that I might live in Thine
eyes, let him not laugh at me, but rather, if he be a man of a
noble charity, let him weep for my sins against Thee, the Father of
all the brethren of Thy Christ.
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