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9. I longed for honours, gains, wedlock; and Thou mockedst me.
In these desires I underwent most bitter hardships, Thou being the
more gracious the less Thou didst suffer anything which was not Thou
to grow sweet to me. Behold my heart, O Lord, who wouldest that I
should recall all this, and confess unto Thee. Now let my soul
cleave to Thee, which Thou hast freed from that fast-holding
bird-lime of death. How wretched was it t And Thou didst irritate
the feeling of its wound, that, forsaking all else, it might be
converted unto Thee, who art above all, and without whom all
things would be naught, be converted and be healed.
How wretched was I at that time, and how didst Thou deal with me,
to make me sensible of my wretchedness on that day wherein I was
preparing to recite a panegyric on the Emperor,' wherein I was to
deliver many a lie, and lying was to be applauded by those who knew I
lied; and my heart panted with these cares, and boiled over with the
feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, while walking along one of
the streets of Milan, I observed a poor mendicant, then, I
imagine, with a full belly, joking and joyous; and I sighed, and
spake to the friends around me of the many sorrows resulting from our
madness, for that by all such exertions of ours, as those wherein
I then laboured, dragging along, under the spur of desires, the
burden of my own, unhappiness, and by dragging increasing it,we yet
aimed only to attain that very joyousness which that mendicant had
reached before us, ] who, perchance, never would attain it! For
what he had obtained through a few begged pence, the same was I
scheming for by many a wretched and tortuous turning, the joy of a
temporary felicity. For he verily possessed not true joy, but yet
I, with these my ambitions, was seeking one much more untrue. And
in truth he was joyous, I anxious; he free from care, I full of
alarms. But should any one inquire of me whether I would rather be
merry or fearful, I would reply, Merry. Again, were I asked
whether I would rather be such as he was, or as I myself then was,
I should elect to be myself, though beset with cares and alarms, but
out of perversity; for was it so in truth? For I ought not to prefer
myself to him because I happened to be more learned than he, seeing
that I took no delight therein, but sought rather to please men by
it; and that not to instruct, but only to please. Wherefore also
didst Thou break my bones with the rod of Thy correction.
10. Away with those, then, from my soul, who say unto it, "It
makes a difference from whence a man's joy is derived. That mendicant
rejoiced in drunkenness; thou longedst to rejoice in glory." What
glory, O Lord? That which is not in Thee. For even as his was no
true joy, so was mine no true glory;a and it subverted my soul more.
He would digest his drunkenness that same night, but many a night had
I slept with mine, and risen again with it, and was to sleep again
and again to rise With it, I know not how oft. It does indeed
"make a difference whence a man's joy is derived." I know it is
so, and that the joy of a faithful hope is incomparably beyond such
vanity. Yea, and rat that time was he beyond me, for he truly was i
the happier man; not only for that he was thoroughly steeped in mirth,
I torn to pieces with cares, but he, by giving good wishes, had
gotten wine, I, by lying, was following after pride. Much to this
effect said I then to my dear friends, and I often marked in them how
it fared with me; and I found that it went ill with me, and fretted,
and doubled that very ill. And if any prosperity smiled upon me, I
loathed to seize it, for almost before I could grasp it flew away.
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