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26. Unto Thee be praise, unto Thee be glory, O Fountain of
mercies! I became more wretched, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand
was ever ready to pluck me out of the mire, and to cleanse me, but I
was ignorant of it. Nor did anything recall me from a yet deeper abyss
of carnal pleasures, but the fear of death and of Thy future
judgment, which, amid all my fluctuations of opinion, never left my
breast. And in disputing with my friends, Alypius and Nebridius,
concerning the nature of good and evil, I held that Epicurus had, in
my judgment, won the palm, had I not believed that after death there
remained a life for the soul, and places of recompense, which
Epicurus would not believe. And I demanded, "Supposing us to be
immortal, and to be living in the enjoyment of perpetual bodily
pleasure, and that without any fear of losing it, why, then, should
we not be happy, or why should we search for anything else?" not
knowing that even this very thing was a part of my great misery, that,
being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that light of honour
and beauty to be embraced for its own sake, which cannot be seen by the
eye of the flesh, it being visible only to the inner man. Nor did
I, unhappy one, consider out of what vein it emanated, that even
these things, loathsome as they were, I with pleasure discussed with
my friends. Nor could I, even in accordance with my then notions of
happiness, make myself happy without friends, amid no matter how great
abundance of carnal pleasures. And these friends assuredly I loved
for their own sakes, and I knew myself to be loved of them again for
my own sake. O crooked ways! Woe to the audacious soul which hoped
that, if it forsook Thee, it would find some better thing! It hath
turned and returned, on hack, sides, and belly, and all was hard,
and Thou alone rest. And behold, Thou art near, and deliverest us
from our wretched wanderings, and stablishest us in Thy way, and dost
comfort us, and say, "Run; I will carry you, yea, I will lead
you, and there also will I carry you."
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